The Revenge of the Monkeys

      A few years after the I caused the complete anihilation of the 
    monkey village, I was telling a few friends the tales of my conquest.
    When I got to the part where I fried the testicles of the monkey 
    robeast, I heard a most unusual noise.  It was shrill, not unlike the 
    scream of a monkey.  But ther was no way any monkey, let alone a 
    screaming monkey, could have survived the explosion.  Being a 
    cautious man, I looked around anyway.  After several intense seconds 
    of searching I found it, a filthy monkey.  My first reaction was to 
    grab a 9 iron and wack its brains to kingdom come.  But I soon 
    realized that if I was going to get to the bottom of the situation I 
    would need to follow the monkey scout back to his encampment.  
         After about 32 minutes 3.546 seconds the monkey began his journey 
    home.  I followed as silently as a mime.  Before the monkey returned 
    to his camp, he stopped at his favorite pub.  He drank a half a beer, 
    which is just about enough to get a moderately sized monkey drunk off 
    its vermin infested ass.  As he stumbled on home, I kept an eye out 
    for monkey vomit, which caries the deadly monkey virus.  The monkey 
    squeezed into a hole.  I waited for a few minutes, looked to see if 
    anyone was coming, then I peered into the monkey hole.  The things I 
    saw in there sucked harder than an elephant on steroids. 
         It appeared that the monkeys had started an underground movement.  
    Of course, all the law abiding monkeys were killed when I blew the 
    holy hell out of their village ao these monkeys were the drifters, 
    scoundrels, and vagabonds of the monkey society.  There were little 
    monkey pushers selling drugs, little monkey rednecks drinking moonshine, 
    and little monkey pimps chillin' with their bitches.  It was enough to 
    make me gag.  I knew that I was going to need more than my trusty lazer 
    death-ray and a small atomic weapon to beat these monkeys.
         I returned home for supplies.  At my house I had my lazer 
    death-ray, a flame thrower, a Bobba Fett style jet pack, a few M-80s, 
    a few large explosive devises, and a fully assembled Voltron action 
    figure.  I immediatly went outside to blow up my neighbors cat with 
    the M-80s.  When I was finished laughing, I got my supplies together 
    and went to the grocery store to buy a mega-bomb, which will hopefully 
    destroy the monkeys once and for all.  My quest to destroy the deviant 
    monkey village had begun.

       The monkey encampment was constructed around the remains of a 
    large oil tanker wich had somehow managed to land itself in north-
    west ohio.  Needless to say, it was a pathetic excuse for a dwelling.
    It had only a one car garage and the monkeys had to releive 
    themselves in a Porta-crapper out back.  That is, of course, when they 
    are done pooping in the living room.
        When I could stand the filth no longer,  I whipped the 
    flamethrower out of my pocket and attepted to sterilize the whole 
    encampment.  The moneys took action;  they began to throw flaming 
    wads of fecal material at me.  I set my jet-pack to full-power and 
    immediately exited the vicinity.
         The monkeys, who are all monumentally unintelligent, were 
    terified that I could fly without wings.  They determined that 
    I was god and began to worship me.  I took advantage of the 
    situation and told one group of monkeys to kill another group of 
    monkeys and then to kill themselves.  If monkeys had any intelligence 
    what so ever, this would have been the end of our battle.   Killing 
    monkeys is never that easy.  The monkeys assigned to do the killing 
    killed themselves first and left the other job undone.
          Then the shit hit the fan.  Scram-Scram, the strongest of the 
    monkeys, called gathered up the remaining monkeys and swung on vines 
    into the woods.  There, I knew, he would form the remaining monkeys 
    into an elite clan of monkey assasins.  My head was the first on his 
    list.  All I could do was wait.

Angry Badger

Planet Arus

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